Back to School (episode)/Transcript
Sunset Arms Boarding House Arnold :Hey Grandpa, could you help me with this math problem? Grandpa :Sure, what's your problem? I know all kinds of math. Addition, subtraction, multiplication, 5 times 5 is 25, 5 times 6 is 30, am I helping? Arnold :Not really. I'm doing long division. Grandpa :(stammering) Long division? Arnold :Can you help? Grandpa :Okay, 3 and 2 is uh, and 22 times 14 uh, would be uh, that, and uh, the, the answer's 7. Arnold :The answer can't be 7, cause- Grandpa :Oh, of course, you're right. The answer's seven... teen. Arnold :Uh, no. Grandpa :18? 39? 52? (stammers again nervously) Arnold :Didn't you learn long division when you were in the 4th grade? Grandpa :Whoop! Time to take my medication! I'll get back to you Arnold. Arnold :Grandpa wait! Come back! Grandpa :Can't hear you, where's the siren? (imitates a siren as he goes to the bathroom; Arnold follows as he reads the instructions on his medication) Arnold :Grandpa, it's just me, Arnold. You can tell me, what's wrong? Grandpa :Nothing, Arno- Oh alright Arnold I'll tell you the truth. I always knew this day would come when you would bring me homework I couldn't figure out. And long division with decimals was as far as I've got when I was a kid before- Arnold :Before what? Grandpa :Before I quit, Arnold. I never finished the 4th grade. Arnold :You never finished the 4th grade? Grandpa :Alright Arnold, sit down on the baday and I'll tell you a story. You see, back in the 1920s, things were pretty good. (flashback begins) Oh Arnold I used to dream of getting my grade school diploma and growing up to be president, but then the Great Depression came and everybody lost their jobs. It was tough. At Christmas we couldn't afford toys, we had to make our own toys, out of dirt. I wanted to stay at school, but I had to quit and get a job to support my family. I tell ya, I used to dream of making it to my graduation, Arnold, walking up there, taking the diploma from the principal, (flashback ends) flipping the little tassel on my motor-board. I always said I'd go back to school, but, well one job lead to another and I just never did. (sighs) A grade school diploma. The one thing I've always wanted but never got. Arnold :Couldn't you go back to school? Grandpa :(does a spit take) Oh-ho, I can't do that, Arnold. I'm too old. I've lost too many brain cells to make it through grade school. Arnold :You're not too old, Grandpa. And you've still got plenty of brain cells. Grandpa :No, not since Woodstock. Arnold :You can do it, Grandpa. You can go back to school and get your diploma. It's your dream. You have to do it. Grandpa :By gum you're right, Arnold! Alright then, that settles it. Come Monday, I'm gonna follow my dream and get a grade school diploma, and then one day I'll be president! Arnold :Let's just focus on your diploma first. Grandpa Okay. P.S. 118 (In Principal Wartz's office) Principal Wartz :Well Phillip, welcome to P.S. 118. I run a tight ship. I trust I won't need to see you again in this office for disciplinary reasons. Grandpa :Oh no sir, I'm a good boy. Principal Wartz :Yes. Let's find you a classroom, shall we? Grandpa :All right, sonny, I-I mean, principal Wartz. (At classroom 206) Gerald :Does that mean he's gonna be in our class? Arnold :Na. They wouldn't put Grandpa in our class, that'll be a lot of too minute. Principal Wartz :Students, let's all welcome your new classmate, Phillip. (this surprises Arnold) Sid :Look, it's Arnold's grandpa! Grandpa :Hey, Shortman! We're gonna be classmates! (everyone laughs except Arnold) Mr. Simmons :Alright, class, let's-let's put on our listening ears. Again, Phil, get out your pencil and open your math book to page 98. We were talking about decimals in long division. Grandpa :(stammering) Did you say long division? Arnold :Don't worry Grandpa, it'll be fine. (Later, Grandpa is doing long division but is having trouble, so Mr. Simmons helps him out a little, and he gets it right by adding dots where they should be and slams the chalk down) Grandpa :Yes! In your face, long division with decimals! Outside P.S. 118 (Phil and the kids are laughing) Stinky :That was one ripping good yarn, Phil! Grandpa :Well I'll catch you cats on the flip side. Sid :See you, Phil. Stinky :Wheel-acres, Arnold! Your grandpa sure is hip! He's good at ciphering, and he's got his own cop! (This makes Arnold roll his eyes) Sunset Arms Boarding House Grandpa :And then, listen, Pookie listen, and then I got a 97 on my multiple choice and a gold star. Grandma :Why that's wonderful, Phil! :Yep, won't be long til I get that grade school diploma, and if you don't wanna wear that fork you'd better keep your paws off my dessert, Kokoshka! P.S. 118 (The next day, Phil walks right into Mr. Simmons' classroom) Sid :Hey look! It's Phil! Grandpa :Yo Arnold, my main man! Word up! Mr. Simmons :Class, I have a very important announcement. I showed the results of Phil's work yesterday to Principal Wartz, and he has decided that our new classmate should be immediately promoted to the 5th grade! (Everone claps at this) Arnold :Did you hear that? You're on your way, Grandpa! Grandpa :Thanks, Shortman. I'm gonna miss you. I'm gonna miss all of you, Sid with your backwards hat and your teeny little white pad-lathered Beetle boots, and you Stinky- Arnold :Grandpa, you'll be right next door. Grandpa :Oh well in that case I'll just see you at recess. See ya, suckers! (At recess, Phil runs up to Wolfgang) Grandpa :Hey there 5th graders! What's that you're playing? Wolfgang :Kickball. What's that to you, old man? Grandpa :Well I thought since we're classmates now I'd join ya. Wolfgang :Aren't you a little old for kickball? You might fall down and break your hip! (laughs) Grandpa :Let you know my hip is made of space-aide plastic! Watch this and learn something! (Wolfgang rolls the ball to Phil who kicks the ball hard breaking a window) Ooh, you didn't see nothing! Scatter! (everyone does so) Wolfgang :Awesome kick, old guy! What's your name? Grandpa :Phil. Wolfgang :Come on, Phil. Sit with us at lunch, okay? (Later at Mr. Packenham's class, Mr. Packenham is teaching history. Phil raises his hand and writes on the board "Civil War 1861-1865", gets an A+ and a spelling ribbon, making his classmates clap for him) Sunset Arms Boarding House Grandpa :After he looked over my test results, Mr. Packenham decided to promote me to the 6th grade. Arnold :Wow Grandpa, I can't believe how fast this is going. You've almost got your grade school diploma. Grandpa :Yep, 5th grade was a snap. I mean, how different can 6th grade be? P.S. 118 (The next day, Phil goes to Mr. Francis' 6th grade class and finds that his new classmates are scowling at him; as he goes to his seat a tough 6th grade grader gets his attention) Tough 6th Grader :What are you looking at? (This makes Phil even more nervous as he looks at the problem on the board) Sunset Arms Boarding House (That evening, Phil is trying to do some homework but is having trouble) :No, I can't figure this out. (He walks out of the kitchen, goes to the storage closet, sees his motorboard, throws it away, and pulls out a black jacket) P.S. 118 (The next day, Phil enters sporting the black jacket and acting tough to the surprise of his classmates; Phil then walks to the tough 6th grader) Grandpa :What are you looking at? (This makes the tough 6th grader nervous) Outside the Boarding House (That evening, Connie and Maria ring the doorbell to the boarding house and Arnold answers it) Grandpa :Hey, Connie! Maria! What's shaking, ladies? Arnold :Grandpa, where are you going? Grandpa :We're gonna sneak into a PG-13 movie. Arnold :But you're 81. You can get into a PG-13 movie anytime. Besides, it's a school night. Don't you have homework to do? Grandpa :Hey, quit bumming my trip, man. Movie Theater (At the movie theater, Phil, Connie and Maria are above an usher with a water balloon. Phil drops it on the usher who notices them and chases them out of the theater.) Outside P.S. 118 (Later, Phil spray-paints "STEELY PHIL" on a nearby dumpster; suddenly, police sirens go off followed by police cars showing up) Grandpa :Cherry tops! Cheez-it! It's the man! P.S. 118 Principal Wartz :Tardiness, disobeying lunchroom procedures, spray-painting "Steely Phil" on the playground dumpster, and rand insouciance. What do you have to say for yourself? Grandpa :(pops bubble) If you're done reciting my credit I got some shoplifting to do. Principal Wartz :Young man, I'm beginning to wonder if you want to finish grade school. Grandpa :(mocking) Young man, I'm beginning to wonder if you want to finish grade school. Principal Wartz :Pardon me? Grandpa :(mocking) Pardon me? Principal Wartz :Stop repeating what I say! Grandpa :Stop repeating what I say! Principal Wartz :That's it! Grandpa :That's it! (puts his finger up his nose) Principal Wartz :Young man, are you looking for trouble? Grandpa :Maybe, Whadda ya got? Principal Wartz :Alright, this is your final warning. Either you straighten up and fly right or I'll be forced to dismiss you from P.S. 118. Report to detention after the final bell. Grandpa :Report this, Wartz! (pulls the fire alarm and walks off) Principal Wartz :(resets the alarm) That's it! I'm calling his parents! Outside the Boarding House (Later that night, Phil is throwing a baseball; Arnold walks up to him) Arnold :Grandpa, I need to talk to you. Grandpa :Lay it on me. Arnold :Principal Wartz called. He said you're in big trouble. That you're this far from being expelled. Grandpa :What does he know? He's just a big ol' fart. Arnold :(shocked) Grandpa! Grandpa :What's your point, Arnold? I'm busy. Arnold :Grandpa, what happened? You were doing great, you were passing all your tests. Don't you wanna get your diploma? Grandpa :Forget it Shortman, I'm through with school. I'm chucking the whole education thing. Arnold :But you're so close. What about your dream? Grandpa :I woke up. Arnold :Why are you doing this? Why are you skipping school and acting tough and getting in trouble? Grandpa :Because. Arnold :Because why? Grandpa :Because. Arnold :(stern) Because why, Grandpa? I wanna know why and I wanna know right now. Grandpa :Because... I'm scared! I'm scared, okay? Arnold :Scared of what? Grandpa :That I can't do it, that I'll fail. Arnold :(feeling sorry for Grandpa) You should've told me. I can help you. We can hit the books. You can do it, I promise. You can pass the 6th grade, Grandpa. Grandpa :I don't know, Shortman, ooh, 6th grade is so tough, and scary, and all those big words and numbers. Arnold :It's your dream, Grandpa. Grandpa :My dream. A grade school diploma. Arnold :You want that diploma. Grandpa :I want that diploma. Arnold :Louder. You want that diploma. Grandpa :I want that diploma! Arnold :Let's get it! Grandpa :Right after my nap! Sunset Arms Boarding House Arnold :Capital of Minnesota? Grandpa :Duluth. Arnold :Principle export? Grandpa :Bob Dylan. No, cheese. Grandma :Chief of industry? Grandpa :Steel-n-Steel Buy Products Grandma :State motto? Grandpa :Melts in your mouth, not your hand. Principal Wartz's Office Grandpa :The sum of the square root of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. In your face, Wartz! (The other staff whisper with Wartz while Phil watches with anticipation and curiosity. Wartz then gets up and walks towards Phil, stares at him sternly, then gives him a diploma) Grandpa :I passed? Principal Wartz :I'm as surprised as you are. Mr. Simmons :Congratulations, Phil! Grandpa :Don't hug me. Mr. Simmons :Oh-oh-okay. Grandpa :Oh what the heck? Come here, you! (gives Mr. Simmons a big hug) Outside P.S. 118 (Grandpa walks out of P.S. 118 with the kids and Grandma following him and cheering for him) Arnold :You did it, Grandpa! You graduated! Grandpa :Thanks to you, Shortman. Arnold :So what's next? You gonna try for your junior high in high school diploma? Grandpa :High school? That's for losers. I don't have time for that anyway. I got to run for president. Arnold :Grandpa, you can't just run for president. Grandpa :Eh, maybe you're right. Maybe I should start small like assembly man, or elderman or - Aw the heck with it, i'm running for president. And Pookie, you can be my campaign manager. What's our slogan? Grandma :Melts in your mouth, not in your hand. Grandpa :Pookie, you're fired. Arnold! You're my new campaign manager. Arnold :(Sighs) Grandpa... Category:Back to School (episode) Category:Episode transcripts